MY "AHA" MOMENT

About a few days ago I blogged about a woman who asked for advice regarding her marriage (click here). Her husband cheated on her and she wanted to know if her decision was the right one. It took me a while to reply to her because I wanted to collect my thoughts before I try to give her my two cents. I posted her email to see what the people thought about the situation. Most of the comments were expected.  Most people told her to leave her husband. 

After sending Lulu (let's "name" her so that I can stop using pronouns) my reply I go on with my usual daily routine. When I am not busy I am lucky to catch the Oprah show on cable. That night's episode was about Gayle and why she stayed with her husband, Ted Haggard (evangelical pastor who cheated on his wife). She wrote a book and told us her story.

For Oprah it was an "aha" moment. What Oprah said struck me. She came into her show with no judgements or whatsoever regarding Gayle's decision to stay with her husband. After reading Gayle's book, Why I Stayed, Oprah said that she realized that Gayle has great love for Ted. Most empowered women are not familiar with this. When you are capable of living and making it on your own you're mind set is just that. But there is a greater force out there. It sounds so cliche but it is real, and it exists. 

There are marriages that work and become greater even after a great problem like infidelity because of love and the willingness to keep their love alive. This gave me goosebumps and made me think of Lulu. She loves her husband so much and I support her decision to work on her marriage. I am also glad that her husband is very willing to work on it with her. To keep you updated on Lulu's journey I posted her latest email below.

From: 

Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 22:14:25 -0800 (PST)

To: <angelicopter899@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: your thoughts

Hi!

Thank you!!!!!!I really appreciate it that you took the time to reply back. It took me a while because I was thinking about what you said.

Their relationship was based on lust/sex--- not even intercourse but just oral sex. I am basing this on the fact that, aside from him saying so...he dropped the girl immediately. He told her that I found out and that he wanted to work on our marriage and apologized for hurting her. Erased all her contact information on his cell (althought I still have a record of all her numbers, fb account, multiply etc), email etc. He claimed this and I checked. I still keep checking. He was also unfriended on FB. He doesn't know I have access to his email and FB. I pretend that I have no idea how his cellphone works but I check regularly whenever he leaves his phone lying around.  He saw her a couple of times but they didn't acknowledge each other and all these instances were immediately reported to me via text. 

I keep telling him I am concerned about the extent of your relationship. He said that he would say I love you and I miss you so that he could sleep with the girl. We have been great friends but we both realized that we had communication problems these past few years...assuming certain things and not talking about it.  We had sex issues that we are so far addressing.....since making love has improved significantly..and I hope that we can improve some more....

We are more open now to each other about our feelings regardless of whether the other will be offended or hurt.We have talked about more things about what we want and how we can help one another. He says that the fact that he immediately ended their relationship because he loves me and in fear of losing me was a testament to the fact that she was not important.

Good things to hear, right? Yes but I remain more vigilant. Although he has deleted or burned all evidences of that relationship....I have kept my own findings. I was made a fool the first time but maybe not as easily this time.  He suggested counselling for both of us to process what happened and he is determined to make this work.  I told him...you will have to majorly make this up to me ( he knows that nothing financial will make this up to me) - he will have to show me how important I am and technically court me again....earn my trust and prove how much you love me.

Although I have my bouts of wanting to kick his ass, I have seen and felt he is trying to make it up to me. I will give him that chance not only because I love him but because I don't want our children to suffer because of it - at least I did everything that I could to make it work. I have stopped being insecure about myself, how I see myself and my "abilities" in bed. He knows that I do not feel so insecure because I realized that I am so much better that her, I am a better person, a better mother (diba, she would leave her young kids (10 & below) at night to meet up with him?) and I can be a better wife and partner (she is separted). If he doesn't see that, then sorry for him. He does not deserve me. I told him that I will work on our relationship but if I see anything that shows you are not 200% committed, I will walk away.

In the meantime, I will keep my "findings" and start building up my "hidden wealth" - I have asked full disclosure on all funds, accounts and even passwords. He doesn't know that I check because I told him I will check when he is with me. I will keep all these things until I feel that he is worthy to be trusted again.

For some people, there will always be two ways of looking at my situation - either I am being stupid for giving him another chance or I am a doormat for allowing him to step all over me.....I'd like to think I am just rethinking my strategy. He may be the sole breadwinner but I have as much right to our funds and investments as he does even if technically he earns more that I do....but I do take care of the house....and its conjugal property. So I will make sure I and my children will be protected there - in any event it doesn't work out. However, at the rate things are going....things are good. I will let you know how our first counselling session goes sometime this month....

I hope that you will put off putting anything in your blog...I hope that you won't mind...after I have used up your time.....I hope that when I do get back to you...it will be with happy news and to get tips on make up etc and how to enhance our sex life.....

I really really really really really appreciate your taking the time to read and respond to my emails....I hope that I can get the chance to make it up to you.....

p.s. feel free to tell me frankly what you think.....thanks!


Don't worry, I have asked permission from Lulu to post her email. It might give people their own "aha" moment. We'll never know. Mine is simple! I now know what "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE" really means and what it has in store for me. We use the term so loosely often times. We claim to love our partners unconditionally...but do we really know what it means? Are you ready to get hurt? Are you ready to love unconditionally?